Sunday, June 26, 2022

Enduring Pulls

Some nights

mountains turn wicked,

trick me into a fool. 


This trouble goes by

like the cottonwood tree,

shedding its seeds

across a low moon

in the Colorado sky.


I saw it just the other day - 

white dust passing

the mountains, cloistered

in smoke from another state.

They acted well-behaved, 

patient. 

But as the peaks watched me,

a foreigner in their big red world,

they thought:

she would be more free

if she had not grown up in a big city,

without prayer.


 

Walking through the dunes,

a necklace is lost,

becomes detritus in the sand.

The wind, a pickpocket.


I find a stick in the brush,

take it home, like a dog.


Back at the house, I go to the robin’s grave.

His vermillion chest must be faded now,

beneath that brown dirt, cast with that serious light.

Brown feels like forever. All seasons.


Somewhere in the city a little girl wears pink

in a train station with her father.

She sits on a wooden bench, swinging her feet.

The father leans against an iron pillar by the tracks,

lights a cigarette and inhales deeply.

The train comes, the cigarette is thrown.

His silver chain catches white-blue light

as they pass through the open doors.


Somewhere in the city a grown woman bathes,

her body red from the hot water.

She drinks a cold glass of whiskey 

and talks on the phone with a young friend.

The woman’s voice echoes against the white tiles

as she tells the girl about her lovers:

A Swiss watchmaker who brings her flowers, 

boring but kind.

A young bass singer in the church choir 

who likes to kiss in public. He’s very tall.

She hangs up the phone, drains the bath,

prepares to meet a married man.


Somewhere in the city a cedar waxwing migrates.

Dizzy off of those little red berries,

he meets a glass window and is found 

lying beneath it, still.

The drunk waxwing is remembered as 

a reveler of the bird world.


And here, in the country,

I sit in front of the robin’s grave,

a faint cross fingered into the earth.


Lacuna

 

There is a grave we don’t know,

the previous corpses

wild.

For once it is empty, yes

a grave

in some forest, that hole

Sheltered.

Of course

it is night.

True dusk, winter dusk.

Green wood

free, mad.

Other planets,

calm and bare,

unfurl unknown sky.

Like a theater,

we see things.

The same blue

badly made rivers.

you:you

something like love

extreme care

The Earth.


Moon Road (v2)

I dream I am a menorah

set on fire every night.

By dawn, I am extinguished 

by the Moon Road,

a path of water, illumined 

and leading to the horizon.

Silver, like a samovar (for tea, maybe ashes).

Grey, like his tumor.


I hesitate to ask this person 

if he is still dying.


My mom says:

It can take time to die.

But I remember his words:

The future is so soon.


Monday, May 10, 2021

01/01/21

 do any other cities have gum roads? 

Moon Roads exist anywhere with water,

A path snaking to the horizon,

A grey pearl, outstretched.

  Certain friends come and go, i long for them

For the walk home at dawn, a dusted sky, a body


I hesitate to ask this person 

If they are still dying ,


My mom says,

It takes time to die, sometimes


I dream i am a menorah

Set on fire every night


Monday, December 16, 2019

Six

Iced coffee at dinner,
mixed with shochu.
After, we visit
an ojiisan bar
where a woman high on speed,
with Blondie swag,
rests her head of thick
grey hair
on the couch’s arm.
As her eyes close
I think,
I’m happy she’s made it
this far,
and for the first time
see a white braid

falling down my back.

four

I see the same spider
I saw yesterday
on the floor.
I swat her away,
gently changing her course.
She lands on the bed
and I’m reminded,
I often make matters
worse. The bed is my dream,
my own cave, arousing me
like the real caves arouse Cai.
I’m beginning to understand 
how desiring 
myself
makes me desirable 
to others.
Now, when I remember
conversations with girlfriends
about masturbation,
the way they spoke about it
makes sense.
Although it seems

I have to press harder than them.

three


For the first time, I begin to know a different city. Betrayal feels important. To be able to bike through a city that is not my own. Crashing when I’m not even on the bike. Four purple to blue to green souvenirs. I look forward to showing them off. To be asked, What happened? Cared for in a new city. My room sits empty back at home. I hope my glass animals and dolls feel the freedom to move, like I explained to them before leaving. 

one


Cai brought five writing dresses for five days on the ocean. Black waves with silver on top, like sticky fur, curl into white. I tell her she does look like the moon. She’s been told this before. As the sun sets, the ocean matches the color of my eyes, or maybe it’s just a reflection. So often when I’m writing it is set in the immediate place. Writing about the ocean at the ocean. Where do I go to write about the past?
This sake tastes
like cake.
We’re back
at Goldrush,
where the pole dancer
with blue contacts
leans over the table,
her hands wet 
from perspiring glasses.

Her breasts are exposed
only slightly
through the cutout
on her dress.
She doesn’t pay attention to me
and I feel undesired.
I’d buy her a drink, too!
Fold fake yen bills into her sheer socks.
One of the boys I’m with
acquires two numbers:
hers, and another dancer’s,
who tells me she wants to dance in New York,
but is too skinny.

Back at the ryokan,
the boy tells us the dancer is coming over.
It feels like we are at summer camp
or jail
or an orphanage,
all the men spread out on mats.
The only other girl and I share a room just down the hall,
and the hotel employee frowns
as we enter the boys room.
Presumptuously,
we imagine the dancer coming 
is the one aspiring for New York,
a city I’m trying to escape.
Blue eyes walks in, her natural brown eyes shining
and her peach milk skin 
completely covered by a silk black top and pant set.

I fall in love with her even more.

Monday, June 10, 2019

how do i tie together
asylum
and cloud karaoke
do it for the girl.
how many nights
will we get drunk?
little sake bottles
from the 7/11
white bread sandwiches
with the crust cut off
filled with fish and mayonnaise
and how many stray cats
will we see
sitting on motorcycles
jumping up in the air
like a cartoon
either go home before
midnight
or stay out
until the sun rises
i have to make
decisions
when the whole trip
was impulsive

Saturday, February 2, 2019

Missing all the girls I’ve loved

Of course the one time I wasn’t depressed was in a fantasy
Land filled with girl.
The mailwoman who has the only other key to my private locker.
The girl with the kitty cat smile, slicked back pony with one rebellious tuft.

Missing the romance moment that I never had
The sober one
The sleepover.
Instead of
Flared ribs jutting out of a black leotard
With each breath, laid
On a hardwood floor covered in itchy carpeting
The same brand of tobacco and beer
Swimming between our mouths,
Pretending I was as wild as she.

Promising boys I’d kiss them when Dr. removed my braces.
Blaming the retainer’s potential to fall out. I can’t waste all of this money
my parents spent for straight teeth.
Talking to Kayla years later, we lament our cute tooth imperfections,
and I wonder if we’re really talking about kissing girls.
Everything would have turned out better for us
if you still had your gap

and my right canine still overlapped with its neighbor.


Gum Street

Pavement polka dotted with gum and melted rubber
I descend into the tunnels
And remember my quack
Telling me,
Turn your rabbit hole
Into a pothole.
A woman in the station tells me she is going to jump
So I hold on tight and wait to die.
The train comes and a man in a red shirt grabs her
I tell him, this is my train, and he nods
In the direction of the open doors.
The rest of my ride I stare
At one page in my book

And wonder if she was bluffing.


Obsession with Cars

Wearing polka dots in the desert like
Something that doesn’t belong
A little sparkling city in a new red world
That won’t let you bring a piece back

Leaving big red
And it’s lost in one night
No memories, or scents of the desert
Just my polka dot dress and
Glittery windows
Like sequins
As I descend from the sky
Scrolling through the same night stories

Growing up without radio drives
And hearing all these trucker songs
About Teddy and trucker heaven
I wonder - what is it that we love here?
Not the simple things.
Backflips and hat tricks still don’t get you money
Everyone has seen it before and forgot
It is magic.
On a drive there’s nothing else but forward.

Never Eat Salty Worms
Never Eat Shredded Wheat
Never Eat Slimy Worms
Never Eat Soggy Waffles
Never Ever Smoke Weed
Never Eat Soggy Wafers
Never Eat Soggy Weatbix

Instinct
And yet

I still don’t know how to drive.