Tuesday, September 11, 2018

THROAT


8 YEARS OLD

Daddy warbucks
in a pre-pubescent ginger boy
when I’m supposed to be the redhead.
a little blonde annie with wire frames
from the drugstore (before Warby Parker),
already hated by Hannah
and the other girls.
I told him I can’t sing high
but he doesn’t believe me,
so “only a day
away” 
is the sound normal girls
make when they pinch their noses,
but my jewish deviation
comes to it naturally.
The boy in the audience
who tried to kill himself with a plastic fork
screams my name, mispronounced - 
I knew he never really loved me.
I get in trouble with the camp director
for his 9-year old declaration.
Where did he learn this kind of romance?
I get applauded for holding onto the golden retriever,
 sandy
so tight 
everyone impressed that i didn’t let her leave the stage
during my solo
even when i slid across the floor.
we all turn joyous 
when teddy roosevelt wheels onto the stage
to save the day.
this is where i learn more history
than i do in public school social studies like,
teddy got that nickname because he loved teddy bears,
or had the demeanor of one?
a stuffed animal president.
annie as my first taste of expectation,
pressured performance
coming straight out of my throat.

16 YEARS OLD

The feeling of a pill 
stuck in my throat
like a powdered donut
or the wasp in my dad’s beer.
I don’t feel discomfort,
I feel impatient.
my throat is
Jeopardy.
when did I get so good at swallowing pills without water?
pooling enough saliva 
to take them in the girls bathroom stall
where i can’t cup my hands in the sink
and make people wonder
why i’m not at the fountain.
years later i wonder,
maybe i did really spit on that girl,
maybe she’s not losing her mind,
maybe i am possessing her.
transference.
after many years of 
“ She doesn’t need the pain medication “
after dental surgeries,
because they knew i wanted it,
 I’m now allowed to take pills:
to not get pregnant,
to numb emotions.
don’t they do the same thing?

25

if you’re doing it right
the cum will go straight to the back
of your throat,
slide right down.
this is never shown
in porn
jizz on stomach, tits
like a creamy puff pastry
from a patisserie
with welded chairs
like suburban fences,
pistachio madeleine’s 
that aren’t supposed to be this dry.
i ate one once 
and the smacking of my lips,
roof of my mouth coated in dust
felt the same as a pill high,
just as much of a delicacy.
sometimes the pavement
being hosed down in new york
smells like cum.
i wonder if the accumulation
is why i’ve vomited in public so many times:
at hanukah playing dreidel at 10,
13 years old in my elementary school playground
after two 40ounces
sopping up chunky french fries 
in a floor to ceiling tiled bathroom (17),
now 25 and still vomiting on planes.
puffed up mouth, 
like the pastry
unable to contain
it’s contents.
my throat as a destination.

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